If Only They Had Telephones Back Then

From our Humor Department:

Time: 1614
Place:  Jamestown, Virginia

Hello, John?  I’m calling for John Rolfe.  John?  Good.

Congratulations on marrying that Indian gal, Pocahontas but the reason I’m calling all the way from London, John, is that our investors have sunk a lot of money into this America project and they’re starting to get worried.  Yes, I know you are all working hard (actually we’ve got some other kinds of reports but I won’t go into that.)  They are just wondering when you’re ever going to start sending anything back.  You know, something that we can make money from.

No food at all?  You have all been starving?  Yes, we heard that, too.  Listen John, did you guys find any gold or silver or anything?  Copper, tin, we don’t care.  Just something, anything.

I’m trying to keep the investors happy but after all of these years and three expeditions of supplies – what’s that?  You think you’ve got something?  Great!

Uh, John.  You want to tell me about it?  — So that I can pass the good news to the investors, of course!

What was that?  I’ve not heard that word before.  Spell it out for me, will you?  I’ll write it down.  T-O-B-A-C-C-O.  Tobacco.  Got it!  Now what is it?

It is something that you plant in the ground and it grows.  It is a plant with leaves.  Not so fast, John.  I’m writing this down.  So you eat the leaves, right?  Like lettuce?  Goes good in a salad?

You’re putting 20 tons on the next ship for England.  John, I hate to break the bad news but here in England in the Autumn, we’ve already got plenty of leaves already here.  If we can’t eat them, what are we supposed to do with these tobacco leaves?  20 tons of them.

You roll them up into a small wad.  Okay, I can picture that.  You stick the wad in your mouth.  You’re starting to loose me, John.  Once you’ve got the wad firmly in your mouth, you set it on fire.  Pause.  Ah, John.  I’m afraid you’ve lost me there.

Listen, John, old buddy, congratulations on that whole Pocahontas thing again but keep that tobacco.  In fact, why don’t you just join up with your in-laws.  And don’t call back!

After I wrote this I recalled the Bob Newhart routine which I last heard some years ago.  Thanks to today’s internet, we can here it now.